That seems to be the burning question for most if not all widows. But really, it's an easy question to answer. I am me. I haven't changed, but my circumstances have changed, alot. So how will I react to them? I will have to change eventually to fit my new circumstances. So what kinds of changes will I make?
I also feel like half of me is gone. But really, I'm still a whole person, I just don't know how to react like a whole person anymore. After years of marriage, we learn to act as half of a whole. Now I have to relearn how to act as a whole. It's going to be hard, granted. And probably at times not at all fun. In fact, probably most times just downright sad. But learn it I will, if I want to have any chance at actually living the rest of my life.
I feel also that I've lost most of my love. But on further reflection, I realize that isn't true. If anything, my love has grown. I still love my children, my grandchildren, and the rest of my family, and I love my friends. And my love for my husband has grown, even though he's not here. But it's a different type of love now. It's a love filled with gratitude. Gratitude because without him, I wouldn't be who I am right now. He did help shape the person I am. How could he not? I lived with him for 27 years, of course he shaped me. But, as a whole person, I realize that I had to allow that shaping to happen. I could have refused at any time, but loving him, I allowed the changes to happen in my life, and thank goodness I did. So, now, the question becomes: what do I do with this love?
I need to move on. But do I want to move on. Therein lies the real question. What do I want? I want to be happy. I want to live a full life. I don't know right now if that is possible, but I'm going to give it all I've got and see what happens.
Until next time.
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