Wednesday, January 9, 2013

So, who am I?

That seems to be the burning question for most if not all widows.  But really, it's an easy question to answer.  I am me.  I haven't changed, but my circumstances have changed, alot.  So how will I react to them?  I will have to change eventually to fit my new circumstances. So what kinds of changes will I make?

 I also feel like half of me is gone.  But really, I'm still a whole person, I just don't know how to react like a whole person anymore.  After years of marriage, we learn to act as half of a whole.  Now I have to relearn how to act as a whole.  It's going to be hard, granted.  And probably at times not at all fun.  In fact, probably most times just downright sad.  But learn it I will, if I want to have any chance at actually living the rest of my life.

I feel also that I've lost most of my love.  But on further reflection, I realize that isn't true.  If anything, my love has grown.  I still love my children, my grandchildren, and the rest of my family, and I love my friends.  And my love for my husband has grown, even though he's not here.  But it's a different type of love now.  It's a love filled with gratitude.  Gratitude because without him, I wouldn't be who I am right now.  He did help shape the person I am.  How could he not?  I lived with him for 27 years, of course he shaped me.  But, as a whole person, I realize that I had to allow that shaping to happen.  I could have refused at any time, but loving him, I allowed the changes to happen in my life, and thank goodness I did.  So, now, the question becomes:  what do I do with this love?

I need to move on.  But do I want to move on.  Therein lies the real question.  What do I want?  I want to be happy.  I want to live a full life.  I don't know right now if that is possible, but I'm going to give it all I've got and see what happens.

Until next time.

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