Never enough time.

Time keeps slipping through my grasp.  I remember well those hectic mornings of hitting the snooze alarm just until that last second, attempting to rob every precious second of sleep from the day.  Then the groggy moments of waking up while simultaneously waking everyone else.

Coffee next...always!  And the real rush started - breakfast, dressing, getting the kids ready.  Did you forget your homework?  Do you have your notebook?  Did you remember your after school appointment?

Then the rush out the door.  The inevitable "Mom, I forgot..." on the way to the car.  Dropping off, managing traffic, sometimes with breakfast, most times without.  Busy days at work.  Donuts (or whatever was in the break room) at my desk.  Lunchtime was always a mix of trying to eat healthy (I know!!!  after donuts??),  and errands or personal stuff to get done, like bills.  Back to work - pick up kids - home - start supper!  Tom home at 4:30 like clockwork.  Chores in between it all, and supper and extra curricular activities.  More chores (usually laundry) after supper while everyone else was watching tv.  Then baths or showers, then bedtime, and I can breathe.  For a few seconds at least.  A few minutes of time for me before I fall into bed, exhausted.  In those moments, I remember thinking, "Someday I will be retired.  I will be home all the time.  I will have time to myself.  I will get things done.  I will SLEEP!"

That was then, this is now.

Alarm goes off, hit the alarm, although nowadays, I find it almost impossible to grab those 10 minute naps between the snooze alarm, so I just get up anyway. I don't sleep as well, sometimes 6, sometimes 7, sometimes 3 hours of sleep.  Get up, start coffee, get dressed.  I get 30 minutes of wake up time now, and prayer time.  And I'm off!  My days today aren't as hectic, but they are still as busy.  The kids are grown with families of their own, but I have grands and help out by staying with them, although it's to my benefit too because I love the time with them.  When it's time to go home, I go home now by myself.  Tom has been gone three years this month.  No 4:30 pm home time, no asking "How did your day go?"  When I get home, I still have to do dishes, do laundry, dump the trash, run the sweeper, keep the house, mow the lawn, weed eat the yard, keep the garden, sweep the driveway, vacuum the house, fix supper, pay the bills.  All of it now is my responsibility.

And in those few minutes right before I go to sleep when I can breathe, I think "Someday when the grandkids grow up, I'll have time, I will sleep.  But I will be alone."